In Part I I’ve deciphered my ‘Ego’, now I’ve left with the question: What medium I want to use to convey my ‘Ego’? Do I want to use hand drawn or digital? A collage perhaps? Abstract? Do I want a narrative or more symbolical? Also I needed to bear in mind what color scheme that I want to use. This questions was echoing in every decision I make in making this project to the point it drove me crazy. Even in deciding the medium there is a certain journey which i broke into three parts.

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A. The Fate of Muccha

I love how the colors complement the graceful line work

At first I was inspired by tarot cards since I was definitely aiming for a more symbolism. And then I wanted to combine it with Art Nouveau. The simple reason why I wanted was because I imagine it would be aesthetically pleasing or in blatant terms it basically ‘look pretty’. I soon realize this was not a good reason for using this medium. In fact it was constraining. Most of the equation that I made had quite a grim or dark atmosphere. On the other hand, Art Nouveau has a light and decorative feel. There would be a sense of mismatch to use this style to convey my story. Even though I’ve made so many drafts of each panel, I ended up not using it.

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B. Digital Collage

Whilst experimenting on Art Nouveau style, I also started on experimenting on my Photoshop, perhaps trying to make a collage. However I didn’t use the collage idea. It ended up taking almost 8 hours to make it, apparently I’m still not comfortable with digital work. Considering I had other obligations, I needed to manage my time.

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C. Finding Junji Ito

After factoring a lot of things, I decided on a conclusion that I wanted to do hand drawn. But there still the question of what do I use, narrative or symbolism.

Then I drew this things:

Basically puff balls which represented me in many different aspects. I felt this was the low point of my project.

Then with the help of Shirley she suggested try representing my ‘Ego’ with something similar but not so abstract. She specifically said animals. Then I ponder about it for a couple of days. And admittedly I ponder more on the first equation than any of the others. What kind of animals would represent extrovert and introvert? Then it hit me: a Monkey and a Mouse. Then I combined those two to create a ‘Mouskey’ to represent the ambivert panel.

From there, I was able to plan out what are the things that needed to be present in my panels. Then I was left with another question, what color best suited to represent my story. Monocromatic? Complementary? Triad? Split?

My 4 equations done! Now I just need to execute it!

I was again dealt with another stumbling block. Being frustrated I started reading manga. It was then I came across an update of one of my favorite manga by Junji Ito. His style was dark, gruesome, perfect for my project! Then combining it with a more whimsical subject it would create a contrast. Using this comic style and combining it with monochromatic color in each panel to emphasize on the main vocal point.

I love how he use lines to demonstrate a certain feeling. This is a panel from the manga “Uzumaki”

Black and white gave such a powerful effect

In the end I went for a combination of both narrative and symbolism. The narrative part is the main characters the monkey, the mouse and the mouskey. The symbolistic part is the things that they do in each panels.

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Done with Part II, on with Part III!

To be continued in Part III

This project was quite challenging compared to others. It’s because I felt like I was required to be more vulnerable to understand more of my self. It’s very scary, cause I know it’s a subject matter that I try to avoid. You could say I’m quite simple but at the same time quite complex. A long this journey, I made numerous changes in what defines me, what medium that I want to use to express my ‘Ego’ and how I present my ‘Ego’ to my fellow classmates.

(Note: Since my hand writing is very small, I’ll be elaborating with a lot in this post)

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There are 4 equation that we were given to solve:

1. …. + …. = ME
2. …. –  …. = BETTER ME
3. …. x …. = IDEAL ME
4. …. +/- …. = ME IN 5 YEARS

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First Equation : What plus what equals to Me? Basically the equation tackles the question of who am I. How do I and others view myself?

In my notes I wrote down the words artist, student, shy person, extrovert and introvert, weirdo, creative, observant and quiet. Then I manage to boil down to this three equation:

A. Creative + Observant = Artist

I think it’s obvious that I identify myself as an artist, I am attending an art school. I feel being an artist the basic things you need to have is creativity and observation. Someone who is willing to explore the boundaries what we define as acceptable is what I see as creativity. Combine with the skill of not only being good at seeing what in front of us but also being sensitive to the surroundings is what I define as being an artist.

B. Assignments + No Sleep = Student

This equation is quite self explanatory. We are almost at the end of the first semester and I have tasted the life of and ADM student. It’s very hectic! Compared to my other friends in other schools in NTU, such as engineering and business, they don’t have much projects. Sure they have homework, but they don’t necessarily have projects that take so much time on which each project in different modules takes a month to do. I have been sleep deprived for the past 2 months, especially during this final submissions.

C. Extrovert + Introvert = Ambivert

this is one of my earliest skecth that represented extrovert

This is probably something that some of my new friends might realize. I’m an ambivert, which means a combination of both extrovert and introvert type. Ambivert itself is not a real word. The ‘amphi-‘ is taken from the word ‘amphibian’ which refers to animals that are able to live in both land and water, such as frogs. This means at times I might seem very sociable or our-going but at times I enjoy being alone or staying quiet to observe the situation. It depends on the group of people I’m with. If they are more talkative, I tend to be an introvert. However, if they are quiet I tend to take charge and speak out my ideas.

I sketch very lightly. I apologize if it is not clear. This is introvert

In the end I choose the last equation: Extrovert + Introvert = Ambivert. I feel out of the the three, the last represented me the most. Of course I’m an artist and a student, but my friends are all in the same boat as me. And in my opinion the paradox of being both extrovert and introvert makes it interesting. As I said I’m quite a complex creature (haha).

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Second Equation : What minus what equals to a Better Me? What do I don’t want in my life? Things that I want to get rid of. Quite a lot actually.

I wrote a lot of words like anxiety, worry, afraid, temperamental, dark thoughts, pessimism, doubts, etc. Basically I want all my dark side and my problems to go away. Then I realize that all this thing are the same. I just want all my negative personality to disappear.

My personality which during this project that the perfectionist in me was the one I wanted to highlight.

My dark side. A sinister witch holding my mind.

In fact, I don’t like anything that is out of my control, because those things causes me to be anxious and worry. So there is that side of me that wants everything to go as plan. You can say I’m a control freak. Or a better word for it is a ‘perfectionist’. So the equation that I come up is:

Perfectionist – Dark Side = Better Me

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Third Equation : What times what equals to an Ideal Me? What do I want more in life? Something that I’m lacking.

A. Mind x Time = Self Exploration

This is what every artist wants in life: MORE TIME FOR DOING ART. I feel like as beings that have limited time in this earth, ideally we want to spend it doing the things that we love: our PASSION. I was very lucky that I found it in an early age. Some of my friends still struggling with finding what their passion is. I remembered during my scholarship interview that as long as I’m doing art as a career, I’ll be very happy.

B. …. x Money = ….

Money . . . As a foreigner in a foreign country where everything has doubled or tripled in price, it would be logical that I’m struggling financially. But fortunately I manage to have allowance from my scholarship, however I still to spend it wisely, my wallet is quite tight. If you get what I mean. But as you can see, I didn’t finish the equation. Why? Because I was confuse on what I will do with the money. Sure it will make my life easier, but . . . then what? You could say from this project that I don’t really like having lots of money. I like the challenge. Living on a tight budget, being more creative with my spending habits. I learn a lot being in my situation. So in the end I didn’t use this equation.

C. People x Patient = Caring

Well, being a perfectionist comes with a prize: I’m not the most patient person in this world. If things goes wrong, I tend to blame it on others, though not blatantly. It stings for a while, but I don’t hold grudges. Did that when I was younger, ended up having massive headaches. Though I still get annoyed at people when their doing things wrong.

D. Mind x Spiritual Time = Spiritual Growth

I wanted a skull to represent the mind

Ever since coming to Singapore, I have converted to a Christian. It’s odd considering the fact that I went to Christian schools from kinder garden to high school, but finally decided to convert when I was away from all of that. You can say for the past 15 years I was in denial. I wanted to convert but I had no confidence because I came from a non-Christian family, so I knew I would face some consequences if I converted. But since I’m in Singapore, at least for the time being, I’m avoiding to deal with such issues.

a chalice, a bible, and a rosary to represent the spiritual journey

So a new ‘Christian baby’ I had to learn all the ‘ropes’. Going to church, reading the Bible and have devotional time each day for God. I sound like I’m complaining, but believe me, I want to do all this things. But at the same time, it was quite a shock adjusting to this kind life. Not only the things I’ve written before, but it made me question all of my actions. The journey that I’m going through and what I want to be in the end of that journey is the reason why I wanted to use this as my final equation.

A dove on top the skull to represent the Holy Spirit guiding me.

However, I realize something. I felt like this project is not a suitable platform for me to showcase this particular journey. I felt a sense of privacy to it. I felt it would be wrong if I ‘boast’ something like this in front all of my classmates. Yes, it’s not a rational train of thought. I know this project is suppose to make one feel vulnerable. But for the time being, I’m not comfortable to share this issue. I want my intimacy with God to be something I want to keep to myself. And you (as the reader) might thought, this contradict what I’m doing right know. I’m writing it! (haha). But I know not all of my classmates would bother to read each one of our OSS posts. So for you who has taken the time to read this long post, I thank you. You have taken the time to not only read, but keep an open mind.

So with that, in the end I choose the first equation which was:

Ideas x Time = Self Exploration

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Fourth Equation : What plus or minus what equals to Me in 5 Years? Something that I want to achieve during this 5 years.

Well I’m 18, so in 5 years I’ll be 23. I’ll spend the 4 years in ADM. But by 23 I think I’m to young to get marry and have children. But I guess I would like to have a boyfriend by that time though. A career in art perhaps? Or even travelling?

I couldn’t choose between career or travelling. But then I thought, “Do I really want to travel? Aren’t I’m doing now? Technically I’m in a foreign country, everyday feels like a new adventure”. And then it continued, “What about career? I thought I’m okay with anything as long as involves the art industry.” Again I felt like those two will eventually happen. But what do I want to achieve in 5 years time?

Then I started rethink. Going through my 3 previous equations. Then I came into a realization. That both travelling and career are my end game. In a sense something that I want to do after 5 years. It’s different from “Me In 5 Years”. Where’s the process? The Journey? What problems that I need to overcome?

A dark looming figure. Perhaps the devil in me to represent my depression

The obvious answer would be my depression. My unwillingness to take a chance, to move forward, I need to abandon this chains. To achieve a happier life, a life where I can live the fullest, I need to overcome this. So for my final equation :

My World – Depression = Me in 5 years (Travelling, Art Career, but most importantly enjoying life)

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So I’ve deciphered my ‘Ego’, now what?

To be continued in Part II