Something Went Wrong – Draft 3

Edits :

  1. Start earlier – to show that Laura is up to something.
  2. Gerald’s approach towards Charmaine – Caring.
  3. Kirsten’s room change to Kirsten’s playroom.

Please read: something-went-wrong-draft-3

Author: Goh Ansen

Hallo, Wie Geht es dir? Mein Name ist Ansen und ich bin vierundzwanzig Jahre alt. Mein Lieblingessen ist Hähnchen mit Pommes Frites und ein Glas Cola.

One thought on “Something Went Wrong – Draft 3”

  1. I like the opening scene showing the daughter. Why do you need the mask? It’s not immediately clear on “access denied”,  who’s trying to access the video and for what purpose.

    Don’t think Laura should interrupt Gerald. Awkward. Maybe you can play with sound editing instead.

    Still think Message 1 and 2 should be fully written out and sound recorded, but doesn’t have to 100% be in the final film. Similar to how Paul Moody says shoot 30% extra (in context of a documentary) so you can edit it in post.

    I expect Gerald to get a drink for himself.
    And for someone to respond to the voice messages. Otherwise it’s not actively contributing to the story, you may say that the characters are ignoring it, but then the audience will ignore it also.

    Expect to see clearer indication of Gerald preparing to go to sleep, I thought he’d just do more packing.

    We don’t need Laura’s flyer. Can show Laura being surrounded by other electronic devices, but being different from the rest.

    Don’t quite understand the loud thud from the bedroom.

    Skipping to the main switch, this should’ve been established at the start. Showing it like it is now doesn’t have much impact.

    Page 8. So if they’ve been married for 5-7 years, this doesn’t feel like what they’d say to each other?

    Looking at the story as a whole, I think that it’s hard for me to accept Laura as the “bad guy” because she has no real reward waiting for her. Good progress, hope to see your ideas work.

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