In this installation, the viewer is invited to witness the subjective mind-space as experienced by the artist during increasingly frequent depressive episodes. e embodiment of ‘the cold’ occupies and transforms the mind-space. e artist, trapped in her own madness and the suffocatingly sterile mind- space, seeks ‘the warm’.
Trying/failing. Trying/tiring.
It is here again.
The viewer, upon entering the work stands between two clocks. The one behind him runs as a normal clock runs. The one in front of him is reflected, as if in a mirror, and runs backward. The viewer understands that the reality presented before him is not reality as perceived by most. Instead, it is a warped and unapproachable reality that the viewer has been invited to (or accidentally stumbled on) witness.
This installation is representative of the artist’s mind-space when experiencing bouts of depressive episodes. This alternative ‘subjective’ space is delineated from the ‘objective real world’ by means of a reflected clock and the blue light emitting from the fluorescent lighting, which contrasts with the warm lighting that occupies the ‘objective real world’.
This blue light, shielded by a mesh guard is an embodiment of the depression, which the artist has come to refer to as The Cold. The Cold sits unobstructedly in the corner, but its presence is strong and acknowledged, enveloping the entire installation space (represented mind-space) in its influence.
The installation features a bedroom, devoid of all furniture but a mattress on the floor and a couple of pillows. On the empty bed rests a section of crocheting – an incomplete blanket. Disembodied hands rest on the crochet, crocheting hook frozen in one hand, yarn still twined around the hook. All is still, as if the occupant of those hands has left for good, or has gone off temporarily. The piece is left abandoned. The hands are tired.
The blanket is connected by yarn to smaller pieces of crochet on the wall – uneven, unshapely, ugly pieces that are the unsuccessful attempts of the artist in her attempt to create the blanket – unsuccessful attempts in creating comfort in defense of The Cold. The artist attempts to create Warmth in a battle against The Coldbut is faced with her own failures paraded on the wall like trophies. She is unable to put her own failures behind her, or see past these failed attempts, which suggests a cyclical pattern in the depression she experiences. Sad, therefore creates comfort, but fails, therefore sad, therefore creates comfort…so on and so forth.
This piece is about trying and failing and trying and tiring.
Originally, I wanted to have a performative video piece of myself engaging in a slow process of crocheting the blanket to accompany the installation. However, as the installation came to develop, I realized that I had too many wall-hanging elements and that adding another video onto the wall. Therefore, I needed an intangible element that could add on to the work.
Then, I ventured into sound. And this was when I was fully about to concretise the concept of the installation into a streamlined idea –
This soundscape is a sonic representation of the artist’s struggle with panic/anxiety/depressive episodes. Recently the artist has been having more of these episodes due to various reasons. Each occurrence is terrifying and debilitating and crippling, leaving the artist exhausted and fearing when the next episode would attack.
The soundscape begins with a chilling atmosphere, with whirring sounds. Melodic sequences are then layered upon the consistent whirring. These melodic sequences are unstructured, in order to evoke uncomfortable/ anxious feelings within the viewer. The viewer then understands that the work is sinister in nature. The melodies then continue in fragments, eventually building to a segment where “33 music boxes play at once”. This is the most turbulent part of the soundscape, representing the highest point of fucked uppery that the artist feels. (Feels like there is nothing worth living for/there is no happiness in the world at these moments). Eventually, this segment ends. The storm is over. This is signified by bird song, which give off a more positive vibe. However, the underlying sinister whirring sounds that were repeated throughout the soundscape continue throughout the birdsong, signifying that the underlying illness is still present, that it is never completely gone.
As it was important to me that the idea of ‘creating comfort’ for oneself be portrayed in the installation, I wanted the hand-make a comfort object, as opposed to simply finding a suitable one and buying it. I found some simple instructions on how to crochet a blanket here:
It seemed very manageable.
The original plans were to crochet a full-sized blanket to place in the installation. However, due to time and money constraints only a baby-sized blanket/adult sized shawl was possible. Which actually doesn’t matter too much as it does not take away from the idea of ‘creating comfort’ for the self.
It was also important to me that the idea of ‘failing’ be portrayed in the work as well, because in trying, things are not always smooth sailing and things are not always beautiful.
Failure bitsCrocheting
Altering space
In continuation of the last film, wanted to extend the idea of altering space and perceptions of a space through altering the lighting of the space. Continuing the play on blue light, I altered existing light fixtures by taping blue cellophane over the bulbs to create the blue light.
There is a visual association to a table lamp when using a lamp like this.
Trying out different modes of lighting and evaluating the shape of the lighting fixtures, I found that a lamp like the one above gives off a more ‘homely’ feeling, which marks it as a homely and safe object.
However, as I wanted the blue light to embody the element of a foreign, dangerous object, I used a different light instead.
This fluorescent bulb gives off a more sinister vibe with its shape.
I also played with the placement of the light. Above, I placed it in one corner of the space. Below, it is placed horizontally on the wall. When placed like it is below, it seems more as if the light belongs in the space like all ceiling lights do, rather than above, where it sits in a corner – removed from its natural environment (on the ceiling), and therefore can better act as an ‘object of danger’.
I also wanted to put the idea of danger across more strongly, and so thought of creating an accessory that could go onto the light to imply its dangerous nature.
Metal netting
Moulding and painting the light fence
Usually, dangerous objects are kept out of reach, and usually, there is a barrier between said dangerous object and the person so to ensure the safety of the user. As such, borrowing this idea of a safety barrier, I decided to create a metal netting around the light to imply its dangerous nature.
Finished light
Further altering space
In order to further imply the idea of an alternative space, I thought of ways to imply the other-worldliness of the blue space. In particular, I was quite keen on the idea of playing with time as an elementand using physical clocks to imply this idea. As such, I bought IKEA clocks to see how I could use both clocks to imply different spaces.
I thought of the idea of altering time – either slowing down time or reversing time to portray this idea of ‘other worldliness’. At first, the idea of slowing down time seemed the most fitting, as I wanted to convey an idea of a sluggish mindstate and an inertia associated with sadness and loneliness. However, I realized that this was not impactfulenough and that there is some difficulty in portraying a duality between ‘real world’ and ‘subjective world’ – if one clock were to run slower, it would run so slow that the time would be completely out of sync with the other clock and the presence of two contrasting times would confuse the viewer and might lead the viewer to interpret the installation inaccurately (different time zones? weak battery in one clock?)
As such, I wanted both clocks to portray the same time, except that one is mirrored to the other in order to convey the idea of an alternative, reflect world – another dimension – a subject headspace inaccessible by most.
Creating the reflected templatePasting the reflected template onto original clock
It is quite easy to reverse the clock. Usually, there is a ferrous core in the inside that just needs to be flipped in order for the mechanism to switch. Just gotta keep track of the gears and where they go.
Yay
Implying presence
To really tie it back the idea of ‘subjective space’ as perceived by a human being, I felt that elements of human presence must be implied. First, I thought of stuffing the comforter to imply a human presence under the comforter.
Here is I, casting me leg –
It was a good idea at first, but I realized that the shape of the limbs did not show very well. The only way to really imply their shape was to really tuck the blanket under the legs. But that created a lot of creases in the blanket, which made the set up look very haphazard and distracting.
Instead, I thought of implying presence in a different way instead – creating positive space rather than creating an invisible negative space.
Casting hollow hands with plaster bandages.
This was the original placement I wanted to have the hands be placed in. However, I realized that the position of the left hand is very passive, which makes it look kind of floppy and dead. As such, I casted a second hand tobe placed in a more active position of holding the piece of crocheting.
New left hand is much less passiveOld hand finds a new home
Installation is a tricky thing. What makes installation installation and not sculpture? The line between installation and sculpture, I would say, is a fine one. From looking at installations and reading up a bit more, there are a few boxes that installation ticks off:
Immersive
Multi-sensory
Site-specific
So these are the criteria that I have to keep in mind as I plan out the space for the installation.
On comfort objects
In dealing with the space, I at first wanted to recreate the room I had set up in my previous assignment. However, it didn’t make sense for me just to recreate the room as I realized it wouldn’t retain its meaning when placed out of the context of the video like that.
The installation has to carry meaning on its own.
Continuing on the theme of loneliness, the train of thought went to ideas of coping – ways to cope and deal with negative situations and emotions – an emotionally charged subjective space.
I then realized that, for myself, shutting down has become an immediate coping mechanism – going to sleep means the world and its problems are no longer there. Specifically – going to sleep with a blanket.
The blanket then acts as a comfort object that protects and shields. There will be a blanket in the installation.
But then how do I transform the space to make it look lonely?
One of the artists I looked to to find the answer to this was Tehching Hsieh. While his one-year performances are not installations in nature, they are highly site-specific.
In one of his one-year performances, he confined himself to a small cell for an entire year.
Hsieh’s works are highly ritualistic in nature. This action of doing something mundane over a long period of time/over and over again, while simple, conveys strongly a sense of mania and emotional charge. I feel that using a similar repetitive approach would help me convey the sense of “coping mechanisms” in my own work.
In terms of subject matter, Hsieh’s 1978-1979 performance of confinement in a cell strongly features the bed that he slept on. The idea of sleep is echoed here, and the sense of isolation/desolation/lack of human contact/aloneness/nothing to do except sleep align with my own similar ideas.
It is befitting then, that I should use the setting of a bed + blanket in the installation.
To imbue the ritualistic elements in my own piece, I will hand make the blanket (as opposed to buying one and setting it up just like that). In this way, the comfort is created by the subject seeking the comfort. It implies a sense of trying as opposed to stagnant depression. And perhaps in trying one fails, but what is important is that attempts were made to cope – “coping mechanisms”.
In This is where it ends., Nguyen explores the theme of loneliness through the visual and sonic portrayal of different mind states one might be unfortunate enough to encounter while experiencing bouts of the aforementioned emotion. Perception is played with through the portrayal of an objective physical world versus an emotionally laden subjective world.
Chronological commentary/thought process (if anyone is interested):
As I was shooting I was playing some music in the background and I thought, “Hey maybe I could cut the shots to dis chill beatz.” So I tried that out. But this segment is supposed to suggest time passing slowly and to introduce the idea of being alone/loneliness experienced by objective observation, so the chill beatz didn’t work very well to keep things minimal. But here it is any way for the luls –
The pretentious typewriter is there because I wanted to be able to capture the character in the act of self-medicating and self-prescribing illegitimate drugs to cope with the crippling loneliness. I was not sure what to name the drugs so a quick google search for “common antidepressants” gave me a few options:
It is so interesting that there are different types. These ones I found are the sedating types – meant to be taken in the evening to induce sleep. Perfect.
They were meant to imitate prescribed medicine labels but the pill bottles I got were too small for that, so I could only fit a few essential lines in.
“Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains.” JK. She wakes up feeling like shit and ends up taking dubious drugs due to her inability to deal with the feeling of being alone.
This part is raw footage from the phone, so the blue was altered in the physical environment with blue cellophane taped over the ceiling light. There are a few reasons.
Changing the colour of the environment is good for suggesting a transition into another space. In this case, there are two aspects of space that has been altered:
One: time. There is a corner in one of the shots in this sequence that shows a peak of the window, indicating that it is dark outside. The blue here emphasises the time of night.
Two: altering the mind state. In her waking, the environment has been transformed from the objective physical world (white, natural lighting), to this subjective mental state world (artificial, altered lighting).
This is also where it transitions from a 3rd person perspective to a 1st person perspective to further emphasize the idea of objectivity and subjectivity. In the 1st person perspective, we see the world through the subjective eyes of the character (quite literally).
Our eyes also see differently from the camera. To play on this, I wanted to use a wide angle lens on the phone to visually portray our wide peripheral vision. I was supposed to bring home the proper clip-on lens and all but I forgot so I bought this dollar jelly lens which is quite sucky but does the trick and also makes blurry vignette edges which is good for emphasizing a dreamlike state.
This is also the part where jtan304’s soundscape is used.
Lastly, there is a final transition into the hallucinatory drug stage where the character experiences visions/memories induced by the drug taking. The spasmodic bursts of images of physical intimacy with another person are where the viewer finally comes to the conclusion what the character’s distressful state of mind might be attributed to. There are many ways to cope with loneliness (many things one might do to distract oneself from loneliness), but this is perhaps the easiest way to do it without taking too much time/explaining too much.
Even Olivia Laing mentions it briefly, where she questions –
How do we live, if we’re not intimately engaged with another human being?… Is sex a cure for loneliness, and if it is, what happens if our body or sexuality is considered deviant or damaged, if we are ill or unblessed with beauty?
In editing this part I also played with colour, bathing the non-flashing memories with blue to create a spark contrast between the physically experienced world versus the imagined hallucinations. However, I didn’t quite like it in the end, and much preferred the original where the two narratives were in the same colour, suggesting a dissolution of the barrier between the imagined and the objective – the character is confused as to what is real and what is not.
Here is the alternative footage that I tried out –
I didn’t know what to call the film initially. But in my editing, I realized there were many cadences in the piece that seemed to suggest that the film has reached a conclusion, but always seemed to be followed by another sequence of images. And even then, for myself, in the experiences that brought about and inspired the making of this film, I was asking, fearful – when is it going to end?
How Loneliness Goes is a book about those of us who abide in the city.
My wish is for this book to wander in my stead, exist as a testament to existence, and credibly proffer the possibility of beauty as a balm for everyday sorrow.
— Nguan
It is with a slight upward curve of the lip to have to review this exhibition by Nguan. I started following his work when rrhzhao introduced him last semester during one of his classes.
It seems so immediately instinctive to be drawn to Nguan’s images. Something about the colour. Something about the light. Something about the people and the architecture. Even after looking at his photographs on different occasions, I still feel like I can’t grasp fully what it is that the photographs have that so penetrates the soft inner core of this young adult.
This show at FOST features a selection of Nguan’s photographs from the “Singapore” series, and as suggested by the exhibition title, the photographs deal with the idea of loneliness. Specifically, loneliness in the urban context. It is interesting to have to approach this in the state of mind that I am currently in, dealing with loneliness of another kind. I will first try to dissect the images objectively through their formal elements.
Something about the colour.
Pastel hues are more characteristically recognisable in Nguan’s photographs. It is not a desaturation of colour, not really. Robert says Nguan does not edit his photographs and that the colour is achieved completely through the analogue film that he uses. I am not inclined to believe him a hundred percent. But then again they are friends. I will settle for the in between and conclude that Nguan obviously uses voodoo magic to achieve such colours. On a more serious note, something about the pastel hues, to me, evokes a sense of other-worldliness. A dreamlike state that is separates his photograph from objective perception by the viewer. This is perhaps a more Nguanced (nuanced) and lighthearted approach to loneliness, in great contrast to how I have chosen to portray the more crippling kind of loneliness in my own film.
Something about the light.
What immediately follows the observation of colour is the light in the photographs. There are no absolute blacks or white, just a sort of ambivalent low contrast grey area in-between. This further serves to propel the viewer into this dreamlike world that Nguan creates in his photographs, serving as an almost mist-like, fog-like veil shrouding the subject matter in the photograph.
Something about the people.
With the rare exception, the people in the photographs are mostly not looking directly at the camera. They almost always are caught in the act of simply being, simply existing as they are, simply living; as humans do. And in the act of simply existing, Nguan has, through his voodoo camera magic, captured a sense of ‘nothingness’, of unguided ponderous thought, and most importantly, a kind of vulnerability of having been caught in this moment of ‘nothingness’. Perhaps there is a universal alignment in understanding these candid, vulnerable moments that allows us (me) to feel what the photographer intents me to feel through his photographs – a sense of emptiness.
Something about the architecture.
When there are no people, there is space uninhabited. In the “Singapore” series, the language of space is depicted through Singapore’s communal living spaces – our HDB flats. One would think that being alone would mean being in private spaces inaccessible to those other than ourselves, therefore Nguan’s transformation of public spaces into lonely spaces is beautiful to note. Of course, the trope of lonely = empty space is used formulaically. But of course, it works formulaically as well. Also, there is sky. There is almost always sky. I am not sure what this means for Nguan. But for myself, the presence of negative space – of sky – has always had an effect in influencing my state of mind. Be it day sky or night sky, this vast beyond calls for trepidation and fear and yearning all at once. Most of all, it leaves me feeling small, vulnerable, alone. There is so much sky.
Business idea: Nguan should collaborate with VSCO and make a filter. It will be the first filter that I spend my money on.
For the first time in months, I left Pulau NTU for home. It was a difficult journey. It was long. It was arduous. But I was home. And I got to work setting up the room for shooting.
Decluttering.
I had stuck cellophane to the ceiling light so that it would bathe everything in blue. Because blue is the warmest colour. What? No. Blue is cold and blue is sad and blue is lonely.
Also I think that I used blue because in the Ganzfeld Experiment colour is used to alter mindstates so I blue here is meant to suggest and induction of loneliness in the character.
The original shots were a little bit low, so I tried playing with a higher angle of the camera for this master shot.
Checking for headspace – this might be a too tight.
Another angle to alleviate headspace problem? I decided against this because of a few reasons.
The changes in movement of the character causes variation in size which could indicate hierarchy, which is not ideal
The frontal master shot before was much better in portraying the idea of an objective physical space due to it’s straight on, ‘scientific’ observation.
In the end, I went back to the frontal master shot with a slightly lower angle. Headspace works well.
In the Ganzfeld Experiment film (previous post), I also observed the sounds that were used to complement the images. What I noticed was repeated through the piece was a sort of low-frequency buzzing/whirring/pulsation in various forms being used intermittently throughout the dreamlike hallucination bits. At this point in time I am not too sure how to go about achieving this exactly, but as a first step I went about recording what sounds I could in the spaces around me to see if I could imitate the sounds I heard. Here are a couple from the collection –
In the end, I couldn’t really get a sound that felt correct to me. I eventually turned to freesound.org which I found was a great resource for, well, free sounds. A quick search of ‘alien’ sounds gave me quite a big variety of the ‘low-frequency buzzing/whirring/pulsation’ I was looking for. I was particularly fond of these two:
The original intent was to portray an idea of omnipresence – of being everywhere/in several places at once, but along the way –
…I listened to it again and it dawned on me that it sounded like someone attempting to perceive something unperceivable.
The piece begins and is sustained by a low whirring that exists in the background. It then is foreground by a selection of piano strokes which does well to imbue an uncomfortable-ness in the piece. It then moves into higher-frequency distorted sounds. Towards the end, there is a crescendo that seems climbs to a high frequency, that seems to suggest a breakthrough into sorry I am probably butchering this but another dimension/state of mind of sorts. Then the whirring. That escalates and builds. Then. End.
TLDR; it spoke to me and with permission, I will be using it.
As I had decided to use jtan304’s soundscape in certain parts of my filmic piece, I now need to find accompanying sounds that could complement existing part of the soundscape in order to maintain coherence throughout the film. What stood out to me in the soundscape were the intermittent piano strokes used throughout the piece.
I then thought of using piano melodies to sustain coherence for the rest of the film.
At this point in time I have somewhat decided on the shots I’d like to sequence, and I know that I require something that could suggest a dream-like presence or state of mind from a first person perspective. So after many years, I touched the keys again –
I played with a few chord sequences and eventually came up with these that I felt were right(ish) –
It deals with an interpretation of the Ganzfeld experiment which is used as a measure of detecting ESP (Extrasensory Perception).
Extrasensory perception, ESP or Esper, also called sixth sense, includes reception of information not gained through the recognized physical senses but sensed with the mind.
The contents of the film are not so important as the way the visual aspects of this “extrasensory state” are dealt with.
In the extrasensory state, the character dreams/remembers/sees what seems to be memories in surreal and dreamlike sequences. What is interesting (to me) about these sequences are the colour and image distortions used to alter the images (aka glitch effects). In contrast with unaltered footage, it very effectively suggests a kind of alternative mindstate
In contrast with unaltered footage, it very effectively suggests a kind of alternative mindstate – one that is beyond objective perception in the real world. I am quite keen on exploring a similar style of image alteration in my film as well, to portray the perceived contrast between the objective physical world and the subjective lonely state of mind.
I downloaded some glitch apps on the phone to see what kind of visual language was accessible to me in image alteration. There were some really good ones like (Glitché) but that wasn’t free (on top of paying for the app itself, you have to play like $5 more to access most of the functions) so forget that. #brokeandhungryandsleepdeprived.
I ended up really liking (Bent) for its many suitable filters and functions. But one downside to the app was that I couldn’t import existing videos into the app for it to alter the image. Meaning if I went with this I will have to shoot on my phone straight from the app as opposed to using a proper camera.
Life is for dangerous living.
I went with it anyway.
Here is some footage I got to see what the app could do –
I wanted to make a film about loneliness based on the story I wrote for Narratives class. It was about loneliness – how a girl hallucinates her body parts as being separate entities from herself, sentient beings that speak to her and talk to her. She thinks her body parts are her friends, a sort of twisted kind of imaginary friend.
The thing is – no one else sees these body parts as sentient beings. And so it is significant to consider that loneliness is a state of mind accessible to only the individual experiencing said loneliness. And said loneliness is experienced through a lens that distorts the objective physical world through emotions and skewed perceptions.
I also realized that what I did for Assignment 1 also aligns with this idea somewhat – on the idea of perception.
So, this film will continue on the theme of perception – subjective versus objective perception of spaces. Specifically, alterations caused by loneliness.
There is a book I want to read.
Olivia Laing’s The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone
But I predict I will not have the time to read it + think about it + evaluate my thoughts + come up with a concrete conclusion about the book that would inform my thought process for the film in time for submission.
But I did read a Brain Pickings article [here] that talks about the book and about how Laing describes her loneliness.
It feels shameful and alarming, and over time these feelings radiate outwards, making the lonely person increasingly isolated, increasingly estranged. It hurts, in the way that feelings do, and it also has physical consequences that take place invisibly, inside the closed compartments of the body. It advances, is what I’m trying to say, cold as ice and clear as glass, enclosing and engulfing.
Loneliness is difficult to confess; difficult too to categorise. Like depression, a state with which it often intersects, it can run deep in the fabric of a person, as much a part of one’s being as laughing easily or having red hair.
Beautifully poignant. But also, I think these did not do much to inform my thought process about the work, more so, it has cushioned my own feelings of loneliness.
Some say that one does not know loneliness until he/she has felt completely and utterly alone whilst in the company of others. Then perhaps Laing has alleviated some part of this lonely 20 year old girl by speaking words she herself is too crippled to form.
In response to reading about other people’s Lonely, I thought more about my own Lonely. Here are some raw thoughts from the stream of consciousness (if you are interested):
Idea of loss Emotions associated with losing somethings that was once there Losing objects/people/things in general Missing the lost object
Why keep objects? For their sentimental significance Sometimes this gets a little manic and illogical – the kinds of items we keep There is no objective reason to keep these items but We keep them to justify/ the last thread to the thing that is lost Objects of permanence vs memories/feelings of impermanence
How does a lonely person live life? Either succumbing to the loneliness And therefore crippling themselves, not doing anything for long periods of time OR by distracting themselves with things to do, people to see
At the end of it all, here is my conclusion:
The film is (will be) a representation of the objective world and the lonely state of mind of the artist.
