Not the literal meaning though! So after two weeks of intense brainstorming. (Which basically for me is staring at my visual journal MOST OF THE TIME, am I being too honest?) Okay back to the point! Here’s my progress of conceptualizing my EGO.
So, what is me? what am I? Looks like we are never too early to experience existential dilemma. To sum up all my thoughts, I preferred to refer the conclusions of me from the previous activity.
Yep, this one.
Here’s me summarizing all the properties of me that was shown to my classmates throughout the semester.
There’s a saying that bystanders see the game better, so I assume this is the almost accurate depiction of me. However, living with myself since birth, I (supposed to) know myself best. After a few hours of revisiting my memories of two decades, I concluded that some of these personalities shown cannot fully depict what I am YET. This is because they’re built up through my experiences and mistakes, and some are just specifically shown to certain persons, what really catalyze them may not be on the list. Then it hit me. These catalysts maybe are the one that formed what I am, and some of them is just not that good to admit.
These little jottings really helps me to understand what I need. Sorta like talking to myself.
It may looked you-don’t-say, but at least it clarifies me better than my cluttered brain.
To explore the catalyst that might hidden in my subconscious, I forced myself to write down at least 7 of the equations I can formed with the properties written in the previous page as nominees for the finalist. This seemingly effective self exploration exercise took hours to finish, but it certainly aid my understanding to myself.
Hope it helps YOU to understand more about me as well.
I used color markers to indicate repeated properties I used. Some of them are what I have, some are what I wish to have, some are what I wish to not have.
Gradually all the catalysts, properties I wish to have, and properties I hope to remove surfaced. Just as I was writing all these equations, a concept was formed in my head thanks to the video I shared in the previous post. It was at first sounded a bit troublesome, but in some way I knew it can represents myself. Right after I finished the tedious equation forming, I quickly jotted down the concept that was freshly unfolded.
Hope you don’t mind its blurriness.
This concept is a freaking challenge for me. After conceptualizing it, I asked myself, can I really find a way to express it. Some part of me screamed, “YOU FREAKING MORON, HOW ARE YOU GONNA STAGE THESE SHOT INTO WHAT YOU WANT AND DO YOU THINK IT’LL BE CLARIFYING?”
One week later, I proved myself wrong.
(To be continued…..)