A Study of Self

This final assignment, arguably the most enjoyable one to date, had us reflecting on what made us who we are, and had us examining our values, desires, and ambitions. Naturally, when faced with the question of ‘who am I’, I begin by thinking of all the possible psychoanalytical methods of categorizing myself, and the many different ways a person can establish an identity.

Hogwarts House

One of the first ways I would identify myself (and others) is by ‘sorting’ them into the Hogwarts Houses, as per the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling. The following is a few lines of the sorting song written in the first Harry Potter book:

A Look at Influences: Meta on My (Current) Favourite Characters

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: aka Teutonic Knights, Duchy of Prussia, Kingdom of Prussia, The German Empire, East Germany

First Impressions: Gilbert typically comes across to most viewers as the sort of guy who failed in life as a teenager, the one most likely to have done hard drugs, binged on alcohol, flunked out of school, and who continues to live as the epitome of the unapologetically unproductive unemployed, the sort of person that politicians point to when they say “do you really think welfare handouts are worth your tax money?” Violent, aggressive, narcissistic, and ear-gratingly loud, he seems to be the sort of guy everyone would love to hate.

A Closer Look: The idea of the uncultured, uneducated hooligan begins to break down when one examines his living spaces and hobbies. Certainly, he enjoys a good bout of violent video games now and again, but his living spaces are immaculate, clothes folded with sharp, crisp corners. Also numbering amongst his hobbies are designing and building machines, cleaning (yes, cleaning), playing the flute, training animals, experimenting with paints, and reading books. In fact, Gilbert is such an avid reader that he easily burns through four novel-sized books, cover-to-cover, per day, on average. In the interest of ‘trying out’ the idea of a blog, he also taught himself, overnight, how to code and render graphics.

Despite his pasty, and lanky, body, along with his jocular, devil-may-care public personality, Gilbert is actually physically more powerful than one of the most ‘buff’ characters in the series: his little brother, Ludwig (aka The German Empire, West Germany). In fact, he raised Ludwig almost entirely on his own, and Ludwig is known by the rest of the cast as one of the most reliable and sensible characters. He had to have gotten it from someone, right? Ludwig has also described his elder (though smaller) brother to others as ‘serious’, ‘studious’, and ‘fastidious’. He is also known to have been terrifyingly, devastatingly, ruthless against his enemies, organising situations that require rigid control over large numbers of variables to trap and overwhelm his foes.

‘…the Prussian monarchy is not a country which has an army, but an army which has a country, in which – as it were – it is just stationed.’

The image of a heartless and selfish person also seems to be a front. Watching people spending a Christmas night with their friends and loved ones, Gilbert can’t help but spontaneously burst into tears at his solitude, chanting over and over “it’s more fun being alone, I’m happy being alone”, his smirk still firmly glued to his face. Gilbert is also described as loving ‘cute and fluffy things’, keeping multiple small yellow pet birds which he shamelessly coos over. He also coos over his brother’s three dogs, a few of his friends (“his hair is so soft!”), and also: his brother. Who happens to be a large, muscular, stern, and intimidating man. ‘Cute’. Right. Matter of fact, he absolutely adores and fawns over his brother, and is also fiercely protective and fussy over his well-being.

As the representation of a country that technically no longer exists, his self-assured proclamations of his ‘awesomeness’ begin to take on a desperate, terrified edge. When the Roman Empire fell, the character personifying it died too, likewise for Ancient Greece, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Gaul, and all the other old, defunct nations. What does this mean for Gilbert? Is he due to die soon? How soon is ‘soon’ anyway? These frightening, fatalistic anxieties are accompanied by nihilistic thoughts like: nations come and go all the time, and no one will really miss him when he’s gone, and that perhaps it would be better to finally die after living for something like 900 long years.

Colours and Symbols: Black, White, Gold, Red, Prussian Blue, Black Eagle, Yellow Fluffy Chick, Iron, Fire

Probable Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Probable MBTI Profile: ENTJ

 

ALTAÏR IBN LA’AHAD: aka Eagle of Masyaf

First Impressions: Altaïr has been often defined by his almost inflectionless way of speaking (the voice acting garnered a great deal of criticism), as well as his stony facial expression (though that may have had something to do with the limitations of 3D game animation at the time). Extremely anti-social, Altaïr despises the very concept of small talk, and does not possess the patience required to be close to other, more social, human beings, let alone befriend them. As a result, he spends most of his days holed up on rooftops and at the peaks of castle spires, hundreds of miles above the rest of civilisation. As one of the best Assassins in the order and the Mentor’s favourite, Altaïr looks down (sometimes, from his rooftop perches, rather literally) on everyone else, viewing them as bumbling, lazy, incompetent idiots. Ruthlessly efficient, Altaïr seems to always choose the most expedient route, no matter how many lives will be unnecessarily lost.

A Closer Look: Over the course of the game, we see Altaïr grow and develop as a character, and also gain insights into his past. Predisposed since young to rapid learning, Altaïr swiftly rose to the top of every class. Considering that he was born into an Assassin Order, this essentially meant that he very quickly became one of the best killing machines an order of child soldiers had produced. Soon, he began to receive special training and recognition from the Mentor, and soon the obvious favouritism had all his peers sneering at him and ostracising him, while Altaïr was taught that they were simply jealous and unworthy of his attention. Not a very social child to begin with, this basically meant that Altaïr had precious little friends growing up.

We also learn that Altaïr was extremely dedicated and loyal to the Mentor, and hence, the order. As much as he disliked his fellow Assassins, he dutifully completed every mission assigned to him, obeyed every order issued to him, and never once turned his blade on a ‘brother’ (except in the practice ring, of course). One of his greatest successes, rescuing the Mentor from a traitorous Assassin, would see him promoted to the highest possible rank of Master Assassin at the record-breaking young age of 25, a rank more usually earned by seasoned veterans in their forties. The arrogance would get to his head, and two years later he failed a critical mission that caused him to be demoted all the way back down to the rank of Novice.

Forced at last to confront his failures in order to work his way back up in the ranks, Altaïr’s childhood love for learning and uncovering the truth is reawakened. He squeezes all possible information from his targets, piecing together a damning picture revealing a treacherous web of lies and politics. At last, with the help of his rival-turned-enemy-turned-ally-turned-friend Malik Al-Sayf, he confronts the mastermind behind the plot and emerges victorious. Not only do we see him choosing to help the weak and the poor, but we begin to see how he learns humility and empathy, to the point where, when his heartfelt apology to Malik is rejected, he simply responds with a quiet “I understand.” (Malik then reveals that he rejected the apology because he felt there was nothing to forgive.) He is also one of the only people to realise the corruption and contradictions the order functions on, and was therefore instrumental in initiating change and opening the eyes of his complacent peers.

As the new Mentor of the order, Altaïr begins to break boundaries in science, technology, and philosophy, aggressively pushing for change in the order: from accepting women into the ranks to not parting children from their parents to cremating the dead to reintroducing poison as a viable weapon, Altaïr’s ideas were radical, unheard of, and quite frankly terrifying for the people serving under him. He does not cower under the resistance, nor does he attempt to quell rebellion through the use of force, instead trying to appeal to reason and sense to reach diplomatic compromises. Altaïr’s less-than-stellar people skills means it doesn’t work out all that well, and Altaïr’s wife, son, and friend, Malik, are all killed in a coup d’etat. Even as he sees people around behaving cruelly and opposing ideas that would better the lives of their fellow man and wonders at the merits of protecting these cruel people, he never encourages acts of retribution nor would he leave others to fend for themselves when he can help.

“When I was very young, I was foolish enough to believe that our Creed would bring an end to all these conflicts. If only I had possessed the humility to say to myself, I have seen enough for one life, I’ve done my part. Then again, there is no greater glory than fighting to find the truth.”

Colours and Symbols: White, Red, Blue, Gold, Eagle, Stone, Sand, Air

Probable Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Probable MBTI Profile: INTJ (Altaïr shares many aspects of my personality, perhaps it’s no wonder that I view him as something of an ideal to aspire to)

RATOHNHAKÉ:TON: aka Connor Kenway

First Impressions: Like Altaïr, Connor is a quiet and reserved character. Coming from a Native American Mohawkian tribe, Connor has also been raised fairly averse to physical displays of familiarity and affection except with family or very close friends, frequently brushing off or glaring at his Colonial American and European acquaintances when they casually initiate physical contact. Combined with his almost single-minded desire for revenge against a man who burned down his village and murdered his mother, Connor seems like nothing more than a quiet simmering unapproachable ball of rage.

A Closer Look: Connor keeps to the fringes of social gatherings and functions, quietly fiddling with his gloves and never really speaking until spoken to. He also speaks fairly softly, almost gently, a quiet unobtrusive timbre that can almost be easily ignored. Even as a considerably bulky and tall man, he usually hunches his shoulders inwards and keeps his head respectfully bowed (except when he’s angry: then his chin comes out in defiance). It is actually rather fitting: Connor’s personality and methods are fairly ‘background’ compared to Ezio’s (protagonist of the previous game) flashy displays and grand headquarters with its billowing flags. Connor’s Assassins do not wear a uniform, walking around in regular plainclothes and living in nondescript homes and apartments. While Connor himself does live in an estate, the others living on the homestead with him are simple neighbours whom he happily helps out from time to time, not in his capacity as an Assassin, but as a friend. Though he does not participate quite so blatantly in social situations, it’s obvious that Connor is a warm person who values and treasures his friends in his own silent way, smiling affectionately at their parties and laughing good-naturedly at their stories and jokes even though he still stays on the sidelines.

Playing as Connor, unlike most other protagonists of action games, rarely feels like a power trip or wish fulfillment. Sure he’s a great fighter and parkour-ing all over the place is still plenty cool, but he’s a man who’s trapped between two worlds, fighting for a cause which endangers the very people he seeks to protect. As a Native American, Connor faces racial slurs slung at him like they’re going out of style. As a kind man, others blackmail him by threatening people he cares about or by challenging his morals. As the son of his enemy, attempts at familial bonding devolve into fights and insults. In little things (eg, optional objectives to not take fire damage), it’s hinted that Connor may still be suffering from the trauma of genocide. It’s not a pleasant life to lead, it’s not a pleasant story to tell, and the frustration and anger that Connor is so famous for suddenly seems to make a great deal more sense.

By defending the colonies’ claim to independence, he inadvertently provides the colonial army the resources and opportunities to kill and push out the Native Americans, his people. By fighting against the Templars and their desire to master and control others, Connor has to fight and kill the only family he has left: his father. By choosing to charge into the rescue and defense of others, Connor comes into conflict with his mentor and father-figure, who favours caution and minding one’s own business. He was trying to accomplish too many things, stubbornly trying to believe that things can be fixed without breaking something else, and he has been criticised by friend and foe alike of being naïve and short-sighted. At the end of game, Connor has accomplished many great and wonderful things, but he is left alone, betrayed, wounded, and forgotten, and has saved none of the loved ones he set out to in the first place. It’s very relatable: to feel the crushing defeat of failure no matter how hard you try, and the little successes you’ve gained along the way seem to hold no meaning at the end of the day.

“In your haste to save the world, boy – take care you don’t destroy it!”

Despite being chewed up and spat out the ass-end of a brutal life, Connor still holds on to his ideals and principles, courageously striving for a fair and just world where all can live equal. The going isn’t easy, and his life does not end happily, but he never gave up and never stopped trying.

“All men deserve to be free, and not in turns.”

Colours and Symbols: White, Red, Blue, Green, Brown, American Bald Eagle, Wolves, Trees, Snow

Probable Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

Probable MBTI Profile: INFJ

Personal Interests

• Science! Biology, physics, chemistry – the lot. I may not be good at it but I think it’s awesome. Particularly biology, which I am actually good at.
• Fantasy. Especially the genre of ‘low fantasy’: a genre where fantastical elements are governed strictly by in-universe physics, where the world is large and proportionally populated, where these populations interact and affect each other in believable ways,  where individuals within the population are unique and three-dimensional, where its beasts and creatures are connected to each other in a logical and diverse ecosystem.
• Medieval fantasy, in particular, is something I really enjoy. Merlin, Game of Thrones, Dragon Age, Lord of the Rings… Oh, yes please.
• Depressing things seem to be a staple for me, and its perfectly normal for me to reduce myself to tears in the middle of the night by imagining increasingly horrible tragedies to inflict on myself and my favourite characters. Not to mention all the sad fanfiction.
• Gore and the macabre. Gorn (gore+porn) seems to be something I gravitate towards. I don’t really shy away from graphic depictions of violence.
• Blink-and-you’ll-miss-it symbolism. I love finding little nuggets in the backgrounds and subtexts that reveal a new dimension of the narrative idea or foreshadows a future development.

Consolidating Ideas

1. Intellectual: I am someone who deeply treasures intellectual pursuits in all fields and the rational and logical approach to situations.
2. Introverted: I am reticent, quiet, and unwilling to open up to others. I identify with solitary and independent characters and appreciate people who respect my privacy.
3. Proud: In being opinionated and willful yet reticent, I am sometimes someone who is unwilling to admit to wrongs or consider others’ opinions and can sometimes be a bit of a show-off.
4. Depressed: Whether I am actually suffering from a mental affliction or just given to melancholy thoughts, my outlook on life is pretty bleak, cynical, and all-round negative.
5. Idealistic: I treasure equality, freedom, and respect. Oppression, arguments, conflicts – and the study of these things – are extremely emotionally taxing for me, and I find myself hiding away, crying and asking ‘why can’t everyone just get along?’
6. Kindness: Not really a trait I currently associate with myself, but one I greatly admire. Tied to Idealistic. The willingness and ability to improve and better the lives of others in meaningful ways.
7. Fantastical: I live inside my head, in fantastical worlds, and seek comfort and moral support from fictional characters more than real life friends.
8. Perseverance: Not really a trait I currently associate with myself, but one I greatly admire. The refusal to lay down and die when life beats you to a bloody pulp.