“That’s not the way I remember it!”
Workshop/Critique, for Draft 1
I was fortunate enough to receive comments from two very amazing groups of people, so I thought I would post them here. Honestly, there are so many amazing possibilities I felt could have been included, alas, I couldn’t include it all.
Shoutout to the amazing people Jesse, Irene, Qiwen, Gab and Gloria for the awesome critique!
Workshop 1, with Gab & Gloria
HOW DO WE LEARN ABOUT THE CHARACTERS?
Show/tell
– Testimony
– Witnessed behaviour
– Exposition
ARGUMENTS
What disagreements do the characters have?
1: The way they walk is different – character, Cheddar more fearful?
2: More context?? Brie ballet – body language, or encounter
3: More about the interactions – cheeky kids, good friends, chemistry
4: Tiny scuffle between Mozzee and Chedder? Brie – diplomatic, quiet?
HOW DOES THE STORY ARC?
Beginnings: what events sets the story off?
Poetic, Dramatic, Plot based
What is the Climax?
– plot event
– political
– emotional
1: Bring Brie to forest – neutral third route, to actually find the ball
2: HINT THAT THERE IS SOMETHING at the end (ominous music…)
3: Corgi saves Brie? Or the crew, from the beast.
4: Build climax when they enter forest
5: Seems flat? Similar? Cheddar and Mozzee’s experiences seem very 2-dimensional, instead of wildly fantastical like intended.
Workshop 2, with Jesse, Irene & Qiwen
HOW DOES THE STORY ARC?
Beginnings: what events sets the story off?
Poetic, Dramatic, Plot based
What is the Climax?
– plot event
– political
– emotional
1: Cheddar exaggerates a slight from another friend mozzie tries comfort and be more objective/placating
2: Turtle crosses path cheddar and mozzie, mozzie spins fantastic tale and is scolded by cheddar
3: Cheddar examines baseball bat worried about scolding from parents – Mozzie – being unhelpful, blames cheddar for bat damage
4: How come across other kids flying kites, and they want to fly kites as well, but are run off by bully kids.
5: Frisbee almost hits cheddar, cowers in fear and mozzie catches it and cheerfully tosses it back to the owners.
6: Stop at a tree mozzie explains that the leaf is super poisonous, cheddar doesn’t believe, then dares cheddar to eat it, cheddar refuses, then mozzie eats it, cheddar freaks out and mozzie makes fun for being so gullible.
7: Butterfly flies across the road, mozzie chases after but cheddar warns of danger in a nagging way
HOW DO WE LEARN ABOUT THE CHARACTERS?
Show/tell
– Testimony
– Witnessed behaviour
– Exposition
ARGUMENTS
What disagreements do the characters have?
1: Brie went to ballet and is sad that the others didn’t join
2: Cheddar and Mozzee made a mess (at ice cream); Brie stayed behind to do damage control while the others went ahead
3: Brie is the one who lost the ball. Too scared, or to go get the ball.
4: or all three go to get the ball but brie separates from the group and meets later
3RD ELEMENTS
What third elements are introduced
– How do the characters react, and what do we learn based on the reactions?
1: Baseball – Mozzee has the baseball is holding it triumphantly flailing and Cheddar nervously will try to treat it more preciously. Brie is not playing along?
2: Tree?
3: Frisbee kids
4: Dog owner is slightly annoyed by the Mozzee’s over-affectionate reaction toward the dog. Cheddar tried mitigate, Brie steers clear.