film – K I M .

This is where it ends.

In This is where it ends., Nguyen explores the theme of loneliness through the visual and sonic portrayal of different mind states one might be unfortunate enough to encounter while experiencing bouts of the aforementioned emotion. Perception is played with through the portrayal of an objective physical world versus an emotionally laden subjective world.

Chronological commentary/thought process (if anyone is interested):

As I was shooting I was playing some music in the background and I thought, “Hey maybe I could cut the shots to dis chill beatz.” So I tried that out. But this segment is supposed to suggest time passing slowly and to introduce the idea of being alone/loneliness experienced by objective observation, so the chill beatz didn’t work very well to keep things minimal. But here it is any way for the luls –

The pretentious typewriter is there because I wanted to be able to capture the character in the act of self-medicating and self-prescribing illegitimate drugs to cope with the crippling loneliness. I was not sure what to name the drugs so a quick google search for “common antidepressants” gave me a few options:

Prozac, Selfemra (fluoxetine)
Paxil, Pexeva (paroxetine)
Zoloft (sertraline)
Celexa (citalopram)
Lexapro (escitalopram)

It is so interesting that there are different types. These ones I found are the sedating types – meant to be taken in the evening to induce sleep. Perfect.

They were meant to imitate prescribed medicine labels but the pill bottles I got were too small for that, so I could only fit a few essential lines in.

“Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains.” JK. She wakes up feeling like shit and ends up taking dubious drugs due to her inability to deal with the feeling of being alone.

This part is raw footage from the phone, so the blue was altered in the physical environment with blue cellophane taped over the ceiling light. There are a few reasons.

Changing the colour of the environment is good for suggesting a transition into another space. In this case, there are two aspects of space that has been altered:
One: time. There is a corner in one of the shots in this sequence that shows a peak of the window, indicating that it is dark outside. The blue here emphasises the time of night.
Two: altering the mind state. In her waking, the environment has been transformed from the objective physical world (white, natural lighting), to this subjective mental state world (artificial, altered lighting).

This is also where it transitions from a 3rd person perspective to a 1st person perspective to further emphasize the idea of objectivity and subjectivity. In the 1st person perspective, we see the world through the subjective eyes of the character (quite literally).

Our eyes also see differently from the camera. To play on this, I wanted to use a wide angle lens on the phone to visually portray our wide peripheral vision. I was supposed to bring home the proper clip-on lens and all but I forgot so I bought this dollar jelly lens which is quite sucky but does the trick and also makes blurry vignette edges which is good for emphasizing a dreamlike state.

This is also the part where jtan304’s soundscape is used.

Lastly, there is a final transition into the hallucinatory drug stage where the character experiences visions/memories induced by the drug taking. The spasmodic bursts of images of physical intimacy with another person are where the viewer finally comes to the conclusion what the character’s distressful state of mind might be attributed to. There are many ways to cope with loneliness (many things one might do to distract oneself from loneliness), but this is perhaps the easiest way to do it without taking too much time/explaining too much.

Even Olivia Laing mentions it briefly, where she questions –

How do we live, if we’re not intimately engaged with another human being?… Is sex a cure for loneliness, and if it is, what happens if our body or sexuality is considered deviant or damaged, if we are ill or unblessed with beauty?

In editing this part I also played with colour, bathing the non-flashing memories with blue to create a spark contrast between the physically experienced world versus the imagined hallucinations. However, I didn’t quite like it in the end, and much preferred the original where the two narratives were in the same colour, suggesting a dissolution of the barrier between the imagined and the objective – the character is confused as to what is real and what is not.

Here is the alternative footage that I tried out –

I didn’t know what to call the film initially. But in my editing, I realized there were many cadences in the piece that seemed to suggest that the film has reached a conclusion, but always seemed to be followed by another sequence of images. And even then, for myself, in the experiences that brought about and inspired the making of this film, I was asking, fearful – when is it going to end?

This is where it ends.

Starting with pre-production

For the first time in months, I left Pulau NTU for home. It was a difficult journey. It was long. It was arduous. But I was home. And I got to work setting up the room for shooting.

Decluttering.

I had stuck cellophane to the ceiling light so that it would bathe everything in blue. ~~Because blue is the warmest colour.~~ What? No. Blue is cold and blue is sad and blue is lonely.

Also I think that I used blue because in the Ganzfeld Experiment colour is used to alter mindstates so I blue here is meant to suggest and induction of loneliness in the character.

The original shots were a little bit low, so I tried playing with a higher angle of the camera for this master shot.

Checking for headspace – this might be a too tight.

Another angle to alleviate headspace problem? I decided against this because of a few reasons.

The changes in movement of the character causes variation in size which could indicate hierarchy, which is not ideal
The frontal master shot before was much better in portraying the idea of an objective physical space due to it’s straight on, ‘scientific’ observation.

In the end, I went back to the frontal master shot with a slightly lower angle. Headspace works well.

Starting with visual representation

There was a film I watched that was quite lovely.

It deals with an interpretation of the Ganzfeld experiment which is used as a measure of detecting ESP (Extrasensory Perception).

Extrasensory perception, ESP or Esper, also called sixth sense, includes reception of information not gained through the recognized physical senses but sensed with the mind.

The contents of the film are not so important as the way the visual aspects of this “extrasensory state” are dealt with.

In the extrasensory state, the character dreams/remembers/sees what seems to be memories in surreal and dreamlike sequences. What is interesting (to me) about these sequences are the colour and image distortions used to alter the images (aka glitch effects). In contrast with unaltered footage, it very effectively suggests a kind of alternative mindstate

In contrast with unaltered footage, it very effectively suggests a kind of alternative mindstate – one that is beyond objective perception in the real world. I am quite keen on exploring a similar style of image alteration in my film as well, to portray the perceived contrast between the objective physical world and the subjective lonely state of mind.

I downloaded some glitch apps on the phone to see what kind of visual language was accessible to me in image alteration. There were some really good ones like (Glitché) but that wasn’t free (on top of paying for the app itself, you have to play like $5 more to access most of the functions) so forget that. #brokeandhungryandsleepdeprived.

I ended up really liking (Bent) for its many suitable filters and functions. But one downside to the app was that I couldn’t import existing videos into the app for it to alter the image. Meaning if I went with this I will have to shoot on my phone straight from the app as opposed to using a proper camera.

Life is for dangerous living.

I went with it anyway.

Here is some footage I got to see what the app could do –

4D: This is where it starts.

I wanted to make a film about loneliness based on the story I wrote for Narratives class. It was about loneliness – how a girl hallucinates her body parts as being separate entities from herself, sentient beings that speak to her and talk to her. She thinks her body parts are her friends, a sort of twisted kind of imaginary friend.

The thing is – no one else sees these body parts as sentient beings. And so it is significant to consider that loneliness is a state of mind accessible to only the individual experiencing said loneliness. And said loneliness is experienced through a lens that distorts the objective physical world through emotions and skewed perceptions.

I also realized that what I did for Assignment 1 also aligns with this idea somewhat – on the idea of perception.

So, this film will continue on the theme of perception – subjective versus objective perception of spaces. Specifically, alterations caused by loneliness.

There is a book I want to read.

But I predict I will not have the time to read it + think about it + evaluate my thoughts + come up with a concrete conclusion about the book that would inform my thought process for the film in time for submission.

But I did read a Brain Pickings article [here] that talks about the book and about how Laing describes her loneliness.

It feels shameful and alarming, and over time these feelings radiate outwards, making the lonely person increasingly isolated, increasingly estranged. It hurts, in the way that feelings do, and it also has physical consequences that take place invisibly, inside the closed compartments of the body. It advances, is what I’m trying to say, cold as ice and clear as glass, enclosing and engulfing.

Loneliness is difficult to confess; difficult too to categorise. Like depression, a state with which it often intersects, it can run deep in the fabric of a person, as much a part of one’s being as laughing easily or having red hair.

Beautifully poignant. But also, I think these did not do much to inform my thought process about the work, more so, it has cushioned my own feelings of loneliness.

Some say that one does not know loneliness until he/she has felt completely and utterly alone whilst in the company of others. Then perhaps Laing has alleviated some part of this lonely 20 year old girl by speaking words she herself is too crippled to form.

In response to reading about other people’s Lonely, I thought more about my own Lonely. Here are some raw thoughts from the stream of consciousness (if you are interested):

Idea of loss
Emotions associated with losing somethings that was once there
Losing objects/people/things in general
Missing the lost object

Why keep objects?
For their sentimental significance
Sometimes this gets a little manic and illogical – the kinds of items we keep
There is no objective reason to keep these items but
We keep them to justify/ the last thread to the thing that is lost
Objects of permanence vs memories/feelings of impermanence

How does a lonely person live life?
Either succumbing to the loneliness
And therefore crippling themselves, not doing anything for long periods of time
OR by distracting themselves with things to do, people to see

At the end of it all, here is my conclusion:

The film is (will be) a representation of the objective world and the lonely state of mind of the artist.

I Love You Like Me: Final

Artist’s statement:

Contaminate this space. Roughly.

In my sleep the universe told me to shoot ink drops falling into water, so I did.

Keeping in mind that these shots are what I wanted to project onto spaces, I wanted the opening and closing shots to be polar opposites – to suggest a change, to suggest that the space has been changed.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA — Originally, black chairs.

Black chairs and distracting power socket.

Originally I wanted to use the entirety of the room, with its things and people and everything, but it was way too messy and each thing served as a distraction in itself. So no.

The whole thing is really slow and boring to watch but what is important is how it opens and how it closes.

The composition is purposefully cropped, one sees the edges of the projection onto this corner. It is clear that this is an artificially created setting, rather than an attempt to make real something that is not. There is an attempt to artificially alter the space.

What follows is drop after drop of black ink penetrating the projection, beginning with individual drops that blossom into flower-like forms, then slowly engulfing the projection with black. This blossoming is in harmony with the two empty chairs, which suggests human presence, implying conversation as the shadows dance across the space, eventually engulfing one in darkness before the other.

Black. The space is now contaminated with memories.

Hokkaido Cheese Tart: IV

Overcome by ennui, a human person searches for meaning in her existence by systematically fulfilling the needs that drive human motivation. With each step, she gets ever so closer to the last stage of self-actualisation.

Interspersed sequence of cheese tarts.:

There is great significance here, where the progressive eating of the cheese tart represents a cyclical process of doing the same thing over and over and over again. So many times that you get sick of it, and it becomes jelat in the end. The film ends with the last scene, with the spoon sitting in the tart, most of the tart uneaten.

Sleep, a physiological need – the first in the sequence of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

She is in the correct setting for sleep, yet she is awake, and stares, blankly, then attempts to entire into a restless sleep. She turns, and all that is left is a peak of the shoulder, a glimpse of an eye. It is semi-voyeuristic.

Another physiological need – Food.

This is perhaps the only thing with proper colour in this film. The sprinkles (as food) are meant to mess with you – the viewer. It is not proper food. It is not meant to be eaten (like this). It represents a ludicrous kind of gluttony. The pouring is slow, and the eating is reluctant. She chose to eat it, but she does not want it. It does not make sense to the viewer.

Lock. Check. Lock lock. Check again. Lock.

The second tier – Safety needs. A manic desire to be safe, to feel safe, but not feeling safe, and needing to check again and again and again. Frantically.

Second tier again – Safety and shelter.

This part of the film (plus the previous door locking) is its climax. The mood makes you feel uneasy and tense and makes your belly churn. The rain and thunder makes you feel that. We are but insignificant in the face of the universe.

Third tier – Love

This scene is subtle. There is a tension between bodies. Then it cuts to the abstract representation of simmering fuzzy warm feelings. Then it cuts back, and the feelings are fulfilled – motivation and yearning for human touch is fulfilled.

Fourth tier – Esteem

It was a bit of a struggle to visually depict this, but eventually self-esteem was the easiest and fastest way to portray it. She checks herself out, then she makes herself pretty.

The last tier – Self-actualisation

After having systematically gone through the four deficiency needs, she attempts to breach the last tier of human motivation – self-actualisation. I think, in some form, there is a nuance of ‘enlightenment’ in this concept. And what better way to depict enlightenment than to literally switch on the light (lemao).

She turns on the light. The heart beats. She is scared. She turns off the light. The cheese tart is uneaten. Self-actualisation is unfulfilled.

(Because there is more to life than going through the motions.)

Hokkaido Cheese Tart: III

Love, rain, and company.

More test shots before the actual shoot –

Love

I had a difficult time trying to visually depict the idea of love. Which is more efficient – literal physical contact and intimacy? Using symbolic objects of a sexual nature? I was worried that because “sex sells”, that this portion would then become the central part of the film and the whole meaning will be misinterpreted if it wasn’t done correctly. But I will try, here goes.

Combining both literal physical intimacy (hands interacting intimately with one another) with an abstract representation of the fuzzy dizziness of

Test shots –

The first two were way too explicit I feel – too outwardly erogenous. I decided to change the background colour to white to tone it down (plus to fit in with the aesthetics of the whole film). Plus also made it more out of focus to push it into the more abstract realm.

Rain (safety and shelter)

Since not all of the rain shots made it into the final cut, I will put them here because I feel like they are worth watching.

Company (Love/belonging)

This, I shot but did not end up putting into the film because aesthetics did not work with me. Also, I felt that it was too abstract to make any real sense to the viewer.

It is supposed to be about belonging and relationships. I wanted her to interact with the rocks as if they were friends and confidants, and surround herself with the rocks as if they were a support system. Maybe I would have put it in the film if I didn’t film it on the grass. Only maybe.

Hokkaido Cheese Tart: II

I went to do further (proper) research on Maslow’s pyramid to properly structure the scenes and to figure out what I really needed to shoot. Also I needed to figure out how to visually depict a concept that is, thus far, mostly abstract and psychological.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

The pyramid does not actually follow the hierarchical pyramidal structure, and the size of each section does not represent the importance/quantity of it’s relevance in the human being. But rather, based on what I have read, Maslow’s pyramid should really be sequence instead:

The sequence is more important than the importance of each, and the hierarchy really only exists between the top layer vs the bottom 4 layer –

Deficiency needs

Denotes the first 4 layers of the pyramid
If the deficiency needs are not met, the human will feel anxious and tense
The most basic level of needs must be met before the human desire the secondary level of needs

Physiological needs

Physical requirements for human survival e.g. air, water, food, clothing, shelter
• Food
• Sleep

Safety needs

Physical safety – the absence of which due to war, natural disaster, family violence, childhood abuse, people might experience post traumatic stress disorder/transgenerational trauma Financial safety – preference for job security, savings accounts, insurance policies etc. Health and well-being
Safety net against accidents/illness
• Rain
• Checking that the door is locked

Love and belonging

Sense of belonging and acceptance among social groups e.g. clubs, co-workers, religious groups, family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, confidants.
People may be susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety and clinical depression
• Intimate relationship
• Pluck the grass and put in circle around her

Esteem

Self-esteem, self-respect. Human desire to be accepted and valued by others. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain recognition.
“Lower” esteem: need for respect from others e.g. status, recognition, fame, prestige, attention “Higher” esteem: self-respect e.g. strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, freedom
• Lipstick

Self-Actualisation
• Turn the light on and off

And then, to plan the shoot itself. I feel like this is not too important but I am really proud of this table so I put just put it here on OSS for the world to see.

And in case you haven’t had enough of it, here is the link to the PDF of the whole thing. Bam.

Hokkaido Cheese Tart: I

What is it about human existence that keeps us going every day? As proposed by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, human motivation can be pared down to 5 categories of human needs: physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualisation. But what is unique about each and everyone’s existence and motivation for life can’t really be pigeonholed into basic categories. There is a sparkle that is unique to the way we as individuals chose to carry out our lives.

In my film, I wish to explore the idea of a shared human existence; a common denominator amongst the way we all go through the motions of daily living and the effects of living only through this basic common denominator.

I imagine, life would be very jelat if we did that.

Test shots for cheese tart –

I wanted to use the element of a jelat food as a second running narrative throughout the film to control the pace. In total, the eating of 5 cheese tarts will be narrated, with the first tart being eaten quickly, slopily to show haste, and the last eaten with small bites, left unfinished to evoke the idea of the subject being full – jelat.